Where is Your Zone of Avoidance?
Once in a while the universe gifts me a new favorite phrase. The Cone of Uncertainty (hurricanes/project management), The Vortex of Fu*kness (anything/life) and now: The Zone of Avoidance. The Zone of Avoidance is what astronomers cannot see due to the millions of stars (and celestial dust and shit) obscuring our vision within the Milky Way. But I’m going to make it about your avoidance habit. Let’s get into it.
The Zone of Avoidance, or ZOA for you astronomers in the audience, is recently in the news because someone saw past it and detected that there are, in fact, galactic structures to be seen in the ZOA, disproving the prior thought that it was our galaxy repelling other structures. The Zone of Avoidance is a tree that could bear much well-being fruit, dear reader. I could have gone into any of the following better-living-through rabbit holes out of that one scientific tidbit: persistence, grit (literally!), goal setting, awe, transcendence, spirituality. But no, I am going to arm-wrestle it into something much more practical, free, and hopefully useful: the concept of asking for help as an adult. The lesson is simple: out there is someone really good at that which sits neatly in your Zone of Avoidance (easy). Connect with them and ask for help (can be hard).
Quick primer on why we avoid: Because it hurts! Yes, we avoid tasks, conversations, situations because pain is involved. Typically, we skirt the issue of what sits in our ZOA because it makes us feel bad — hard emotions, feeling guilty, stuck or inadequate all come up — with a whole host of avoidance mechanisms. I would love to know yours, but here are a few common ones: the ever-present phone, streaming services, online gambling, substance abuse, Zillow listings, videos of pugs doing things! Even the most benign of all pastimes, reading, can be used to avoid. But I am not going to spend a lot of time telling you about avoiding because a) we all do it, and we all know it’s not awesome; and b) this is a blog post, not War and Peace. We’ll instead focus on two ways to hijack your avoiding habit and build some well being in the process.
Paying for help
This first one is easy - if you have the means, by all means pay for help. Coaches have recently proliferated more quickly than fungal zombies. This is a good thing, because coaches are becoming more and more specialized for your specific Zone of Avoidance. In my last training alone, there were coaches specializing in: being a Millennial, ex-pats, sex workers, and someone who coached silently through body movement. Not to mention the run of the mill life, career, and executive coaches (yawn!!). To be clear, I am emphatically on the side of hiring coaches because — wait for it! — I am one. Especially when compared to ChatGPT and the emerging “helpbots,” a live human coach or therapist is infinitely preferable for untying life’s knotty problems in a focused and private manner, with clear expectations and timeframes.
But maybe you immediately answer: Too expensive, I need to do it myself! Or that internal judge chimes in along the lines of: I’m not a good enough ______________ if I don’t do the laundry, self-help, taxes, hiring, firing, cooking, caregiving, editing, scrapbooking …whatever. Fill in your own blanks, you get it. In this case, my question is: is it really about money? Or are you trying to control outcomes, or show up perfect without others’ help? To dive deep into whether it is about the money or your own narrative, I present option number two.
Free help
You needn’t necessarily hire — first, as the saying goes, shop your own closet. In his book All You Need to Do is Ask, Wayne Baker describes work structures such as reciprocity rings, ERG gatherings, feedback sessions, and team meetings as places that you can ask for help - and places where practicing requesting is safe, and in some cases, expected. For most of us, asking for help is a muscle we need to pay some attention to, as the “I can do it all myself” muscle needs a day off.
Formalized structures at work are great, but asking for help can be a DIY project also. Need an accountability partner for your next project? Look no further than your friend who makes a spreadsheet for everything, including his vacation activities. Want better eating habits? Enlist the help of your (recently) healthier-than-thou college roommate. For whatever you need help with out there, there is a human in your network right now that can help you with it if you will just ASK. And, when you do make a connection, offer to trade your area of genius for their help. Trading is a time-honored quid pro quo that helps all parties, capitalism be damned. Just make sure you have stated expectations and boundaries around how, when, and in what way you will be giving to, and receiving from, one another. One person’s definition of a “quick check-in” is not another’s — just ask my mom.
The why…
You’ll notice that in getting yourself some help, I am asking you to connect with another human about your needs. To bring an “Inception”-like nuance here, could the act of asking for help be the largest issue in your own Zone of Avoidance? I am aware that there are huge swaths of the population that do not want to connect with another human, and will tolerate a lot of personal pain rather than pick up the phone to ask for help. “This is what YouTube is for” you’re muttering to yourself. “This is why meal prep/ DoorDash/ TurboTax/ other easy digital solutions exist” you are arguing, dreaming of the ease of just pushing a button. But there are a couple of problems with the digital model I would like to gently point out:
One, connecting with humans is one of the quickest scientifically-validated paths to well being. Literally existing on this planet has hinged on our ability to form human bonds, and then to manifest those bonds into what we all need: connection, cooperation, survival, friendship, accounting help.
Two, digital solutions are usually a one-way street. You absorb information or services, a transaction is made. You have no opportunity to give back. And giving, as scholar Adam Grant can tell you in Give and Take, giving is a scientifically-validated way to fast track your career, your friendships, and yes, your well being. Think of your time and talent as a measurable resource to give to others, and spend that currency wisely and well.
Three, when you are really in the skids, and something bad has happened, like a job or personal loss, an app or digital relationship is no comfort. You need people, a shoulder to cry on, a live person to call another and say: “You should hire her. She’s amazing.” Or, “You will be ok. I’m here.” That happens when you have put enough into your connection bank with others that you can make a withdrawal. Would I help someone I have never met? Yes, and I did a whole thesis on it. But would I change my daily routine to check on them, consistently offer help, get them a job, a therapist, a meal, a place to live? That relationship gold only comes with two-way connection.
And four, the hardest one for most of us to accept: admitting you need help or are vulnerable makes for a better world. Vulnerability allows us all to admit we’re not ok — that we are are all struggling, whether with mental health or grocery shopping. When you break the seal on not being 100%, like the first person to leave a party, you make it so much easier for the rest of us to do so. And if you’re a high achiever and like seeming like you have it all together, even more so! Handled correctly, this is actually the bedrock of establishing psychological safety within a team, a family, a friend group. If you show up as not OK, then you allow everyone else to breathe a little easier when their particular shitstorm hits. And your group feels more empowered, whether it is getting new responsibilities at work or family members who really can (but don’t) handle their own meals, laundry, homework, etc.
So let’s abandon the incredible idiocy of "having it all together” — a psychological mirage at best, an unattainable yardstick that causes self harm at worst. The recent Rules in “The Cut” (a great read, Google it) stipulated that you need to assume everyone is grieving. Which means everyone is in pain. Which means everyone needs help. Embrace your Zone of Avoidance by talking about it, activating others to help you with it, look deep into the narratives that prevent you from doing so. Together we can see past our own special space trash and get a tiny bit closer to the radiant anxiety-free beings that we’re destined to be. And that, my friends, leaves more time for pug videos.