Space between Stimulus and Response
I was leading a workshop recently on trusting behaviors at work, and the discussion cycled around to a leadership concept Brené Brown writes about in Dare to Lead: assumption of positive intent, where you assume the most generous explanation for someone’s actions or motives. At this point during the discussion, there wasn’t a lot of interaction, and participants were looking down and around — not an awesome sign of connection for a facilitator (actually a pretty sucky one) but actionable feedback nevertheless.
What I was seeing in real time is that assuming positive intent when emotions run high can be a stretch — or, let’s face it, impossible — especially for those who don’t work in atmospheres of psychological safety. (I found out later that the boss wasn’t following through on promises important to those in the room.) Assuming positive intent in some workplaces is a process, and in a charged moment we don’t have time for the process to develop.
What is available to you is the option to not be drawn into the immediacy of a response. Victor Frankl, a WWII concentration camp survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, famously told us that in the space between stimulus and response lies our “growth and freedom.” Especially in work environments, the desire to have all the answers and seem in control and capable can lead us to disingenuous reactions, while overpromising and overcommitting. (Sound familiar?) How much better to choose growth and freedom — even in small increments. So here are a couple of phrases to buy you some space in a challenging situation:
Will you give me more details/examples?
Can I get some clarification on your expectations of me/my team?
That sounds important to you, but I am covered up with XXXX at the moment. Can I think about it and get back to you?
Unfortunately I don’t know enough about that situation to respond/have an opinion. Can I do some research and get back to you later?
Said in the spirit of genuine curiosity and not sarcasm, these phrases can add space between the stimulus and your response. They’re great for boundary setting, showing you care about the quality of the outcome, and that you sweat the details of a project. All things that will reflect well on you and your dedication to the work, instead of emotional games or office politics. The catch is that you actually need to respond in the way or in the timeframe that you say you will. Which of course, is a trusting behavior anywhere you go. Warmly, CJ